Prayer in C

JLM,

One day you’ll see this.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I would say to you if I ever had the chance or if I ever decided to send you a letter; and even still, I sit here kind of at a loss. It’s been two years since you completely dropped all contact with me without a word. And I still haven’t a clue as to why you did that. I’ve made myself sick many nights trying to figure out why. But I always come up short because you adamantly promised you would never do that again to me.

But you did.

It’s taken me these last two years to come to terms and be okay with what you did. The strangest most defining thing I remember about one of the last communications we had was over you having not been responding to texts and me of course worrying; you told me the reason for you not being able to respond was because you ate a bad hotdog and had really bad gas. Now, I know I don’t eat stuff posing as meat such as a hotdog but I’m pretty sure flatulence doesn’t actually affect your fingers enough to prevent you from responding to a text. I laugh about that till this day.

I’ve started writing many letters to you and I’ve filed them away or thrown them away never to be seen again. I was never in a place where it was the right time to send it to you. I wasn’t done grieving the loss of my best friend. Because that’s what I had to do. I had to grieve as if you died. Because you were in my life one day and suddenly, you weren’t. You’re aware of all the steps in the process of grieving so you can imagine the journey I went through. Especially when I knew that you were still alive and well in lost in your world of Hockey.

I was a disposable friend to you despite every single thing you ever told me. Promised me.

I hope you consider the weight of your words before you speak nowadays. Because sometimes, people believe what you say and hold meaning in those words.

I thought about hand writing this letter to you, make it more personal, but every time I sat down to do it, all I could think of is ‘why should I spend the time and give myself a hand cramp for something that probably won’t mean shit to her?’

This letter will undoubtedly have an angry-bitter tone for the most part, naturally. What you did hurt me more than anything or anyone ever has. What you did completely changed the course of my life and how I proceeded with future friends and relationships. But I want you to know that I’m not mad at you anymore. That’s important. And this letter is 100% for me to feel better. This is something I have to do to move on and truly close this chapter of my life.

I don’t expect I’ll ever learn why you did what you did but I like to believe you did it because you had to do it for your own mental health. And that, I can understand. The three years of our intense and passionate friendship was rooted on something that was fleeting. At the time it was all so exciting and an absolute escape for me. But the funny thing about that, you were always the most important to me through it all. You were there for me through a marriage that was falling apart, you helped me find my way through a separation and then a divorce. You were there for me when I needed someone the most.

Something that I’ve come to discover over the last five years is that my purpose on Earth is to help others find themselves and their happiness. “You can’t keep setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.” It happened before you and it’s happening after you. From when we met in mid-2012 until early 2015 I watched you blossom and start to find yourself. I understand now that I was some kind of bridge in your life. A fun time with a silly boyband in tow. I know this because that’s what you were to me as well. I’m happier now than I ever have been – you ditching me the way you did made my life better; made me better. Stronger. I grew up, found myself, made a name for myself and have created a foundation for a career that is on the tip of exploding. I hope by now you’ve done the same and found your footing and are in a place where you are happy.

Something that I think about often is how you helped me find my spirituality again. I used to ponder a lot about what God thought of what you did. Sticking your hand in the sand and writing someone off so simply. As if it, they, were nothing. You took me into church and got me excited to reform a personal relationship with God again. It’s hard for me to understand how you could do what you did when the basis of your religion is “Treat Others How You Would Want To Be Treated.” But I guess when I factor in the part where you probably didn’t actually care too much, it wasn’t that hard for you and the golden rule is preserved in your world. Everything happens for a reason but we are in control of our own actions, worlds and feelings. You could’ve talked to me. You could’ve just said ‘I’m over it, peace.” You could’ve sent a letter for goodness sake. But you didn’t.

Whatever you were going through during that time I hope you’ve figured it out and your heart and mind is in a better place where you can treat others with more kindness.

It was a rough time for both of us; I am not faultless here. I was obsessive and pushy and lonely. The separation and divorce took away financial income, transportation and a way to get out of the house. I was rebuilding my life and I needed you. I know I was a lot to handle as a friend, I don’t doubt that for a minute but that’s the whole point of friendships. You take the good and the bad and keep on moving because you value the friendship. Life is hard. You need friends to get by.

Best Friend Soul Mate is a joke of a line. I hope you don’t use that with others now.

I was ride or die for you. Fiercely loyal.

So much has happened in the last two years that I’ve learned that love and friendship is everywhere, you just have to be open to receive it. I loved you as my sister and my best friend. I will always have a warm place in my heart for the wonderful memories we shared but they all have a bit of a fog that hangs around them now.

I believe that Karma is always at work and I pray for you, be it in this lifetime or your next one, that when someone does what you did to me that you’re able to pick up your own pieces and hold yourself together until you can finally take a deep breath without feeling yourself start to shake apart again. Because you will be alone and no one will understand or know how to help you. It’s all on you to help yourself.

Because your best friend fucking left you without a word.

I always imagined this letter to be a long one; because you know me: Wordy. But I don’t think I need to spend any more time, energy, emotions or words on or for you.

P.S. I spent months and month and months trying to figure out a way to kill Scarlet off in my books because well, she was based on you and it hurt so much to try and continue writing her. But then after coming up with a plan to do so and not completely mess the plot up, I realized that by killing Scarlet off I would be putting Evelyn through the same damn thing you put me through. And I won’t do that to Evelyn. I also realized that Scarlet would never ever do what you did to Evelyn. And for that reason, Scarlet survived. Because she is not you. She is not a coward in the face of her friends.

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